Being Alone.

Recently I found myself needing to fill every waking minute with things. For years I just told myself that I was busy with a ton of responsibilities, which is true, but I think I purposely make my life busy and put more work on my plate than humanly possible. Why? Because the more time that I spend on my responsibilities, whether that be homework, jobs, social events, the less time I have to spend by myself.

Being alone can be extremely uncomfortable if you don’t have a sense of identity. It's like sitting in a room with a stranger, but in this case, the stranger is you. I wouldn't say that I'm dependent on others, I simply just don’t like being alone. Being alone means there's no distractions from my thoughts.

A couple of months ago, I was driving home from work and I noticed I was subconsciously talking to myself in the car about the list of things I need to accomplish when I get home. Embarrassed, I was quick to cover my mouth with my hand even though it was just me in the car. I remember this moment clearly because I thought to myself, “why is this looked at as a bad thing? Why am I embarrassed right now?” That day in the car I found a new best friend, and it just so happened to be me.

Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. Being alone is a choice I decided to make more often. Sometimes the lesson is to choose yourself, even if you risk being lonely. I now choose to go and get coffee by myself, not just through a drive-through, but at a local sit-down cafe. I choose to talk to myself more, why hold my thoughts in if I can say them out loud. I choose to be alone after days of social activity in order to recharge.

I found a home within myself. You have one too, you just have to go looking for it.

Love yourself a little extra,

Maggie Paulus