I’m Not Sure It Was Worth It – Back to College.

Week four of the semester is just about to start. That means all the tests, first major assignments, and the “flexibility” at the beginning of every new semester comes to an abrupt stop. To be honest, my calendar has more colors than the rainbow trying to dictate which Zoom meetings to attend and what Microsoft Team to join. If you would have told me eight months ago, I’ll use Zoom more than Facebook and Instagram combined, I would have said you were crazy, but now it’s mine and many other student’s reality.

What used to be full days of classes running from building to building, time has now been filled with hours of sitting on the floor in my bedroom waiting to leave one zoom meeting and join the next. Instead of having my professor’s office hours memorized, I now have zoom passwords memorized. I’ve absolutely loved my college experience thus far. It has been everything I’ve dreamt about and then some. I don’t mean to be a negative nelly right now, but it’s hard to be positive in this state of the game.

When I came back this semester, there was a pit in my stomach the whole drive up. I couldn’t get rid of this feeling.  My senior self almost felt like I was a new freshman coming into the unknown. Looking back at this experience, the pit in my stomach was exactly that, not knowing what to expect, the unknown. I feared that I wasn’t going to be able to balance hours of virtual learning, work, and the mental demands of college during COVID-19. 

I drove up to campus and saw the complete opposite of when I left it back in early March. The beautiful buildings were marked with signs and arrows as big as the windows, every other dorm building left empty and quiet. The parking lot students would fight over in the Minnesota winter filled with white tents that read the words “COVID testing.” My beloved college campus felt like no more.

Every day, I become bothered by the thought in my mind “was this worth it, was it worth it to come back.” All the anxiety, stress, and money to just sit hours a day doing virtual learning. Trying to keep up with the everso consistent changing rules and regulations. Lately, I get more notification from my university email than I do of messages of loved ones, and I’m sure my fellow college students may relate with me on this one. 

Should I have just saved money on rent and tuition and took a year off to stay at home and work, but be a year behind in school? Should I continue to push through and be resilient in my senior year so I can graduate in May, but risk my safety and the stability of my mental health? What is the right answer? Well, there isn’t one and it was hard to come to terms with this. Me, being the person that loves to be in control in all situations in my life, there has been a constant struggle for me to “let go” during this unprecedented time because most situations are out of my control.

During these challenging weeks in this semester, I try and focus on the positive. Not everyone can say that they continue to learn in Higher Education during a pandemic. I had an eye-opening experience last week, I came downstairs in my college house to see all 4 of my roommates learning at the kitchen table. One in a Zoom meeting, the others quietly doing homework. I felt a rush of pride. It is unbelievable how my peers and other young adults continue to fight every battle that has been in front of them, going back to school during a pandemic to continue to fight for their education.

College students, if no one has told you this recently let me please be the first one to say that I am so proud of you. I’m proud of your resilience to continue to learn during these crazy times. I’m proud of the students who are following university rules and avoiding parties and social gatherings. I am proud of the freshman who even though will not have the “freshman college experience” were determined to still be enrolled in college.

I encourage you, and myself,  that even though these times are so uncertain and we may not know when assignments are due or what tests to take online, keep going. We will get through this and I am rooting for you.

Be safe, be smart, and stay away from those darn parties… I want to read your name on your university graduation program, not in the local obituary.

All my support,

Maggie Paulus